How can I be so dense? Sometimes the most obvious answer is so simple that it doesn’t even occur to me. Let me explain:
One of the perks at my new job as the custodial team lead at my church is what they call a “solitude day.” My cynical reaction when I first heard of it was, “Yeah, right. I can just see me taking off a day and not cleaning. I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy if the church was a mess.” Of course, I was assured that I could take my time to spend with God at a time when I don’t have to be working. Nonetheless, I resisted, because I don’t like to see myself as someone who takes “freebies,” or takes advantage, or anything like that. Plus, I spend almost all my time alone anyway! So, I have been there for over four months and have never taken the four hours per month I am allotted. The point of a solitude day, in my understanding, is to spend time with God—it could be in prayer, meditation, or doing something that makes you feel closer to Him—preferably a combination of all of that. Admittedly, I have not been doing much of any of those things lately.
I recently attended a staff meeting at church where our pastor talked about the significance of our ministry, as a church, and included every staff member in that. That means me. Now, I don’t see myself as a ministry leader. That’s an understatement. I have really struggled with this lately— being a custodian! Now I get that there is a certain significance to the job— not everyone can do it well (but I am convinced that it’s only because they don’t care to), and it is true that if it looked like a dump, people wouldn’t come back, and that wouldn’t advance God’s plans very well. But please don’t call me a ministry leader, and don’t call my cleaning a calling, as if I am in a true leadership role or doing something a monkey couldn’t do. What about the real gifts God has given me? What about my education? I haven’t made any jewelry since before I was married; I haven’t written on my blog in months; and haven’t been out on one of my photo expeditions! I don’t think I’ve done anything but clean (or talk about cleaning)!
Well, Pastor Jeff went on to talk about how the people we are ministering to don’t come to see us; they come to see Jesus through us. I sarcastically thought to myself, “Really? In a clean toilet? Or as they sit and watch me sweep the cafe floor and dump garbage?” I do believe that I am where God wants me right now, but I refuse to think that cleaning is my calling. I don’t even know what my calling is. Why doesn’t God tell me what He really wants me to be doing? Okay, these were not very Christ-like thoughts I was having. Pity party. To be honest, I think I tuned the rest of the message out while I thought derogatory thoughts about myself and my position. Soon, we were dismissed to spend 20 minutes alone with God. Great! I wasn’t in the best frame of mind for this, but I determined to pray. I don’t remember how I started, but I did ask God to fill me with His Holy Spirit and to change my frame of reference. It occurred to me that I hadn’t really prayed for a while, but more than that, I hadn’t really listened. I asked what my calling might be— writing? Not sure about that, but I know I haven’t been doing any of the things lately that make me feel close to God.
I also realized that I had become quite cynical over the last few years! I can understand why, with some of the so-called “Christ-followers” that I have come across (or been married to). It had not affected my faith or love for God, but it had made me leery of churches and the people in them. However, when you become jaded and put walls up to protect yourself, you also muffle God’s voice. Hmm... no wonder I hadn’t been hearing Him. After my prayer time, I shared this with my team (me and about 12 men sitting around in a circle). (Awk-ward!) I admitted that I haven’t been very close to God lately, and not in a small group for a while, or doing any of the things I should be doing to grow spiritually.
Fast forward to today. I had resolved to force myself to take a solitude day (half day) and this is it. I told my boss, my mom, and Pino, and asked them to pray for me. I thought, maybe I will write, but what about? Should I write about my new helper? One of my other half-dead ideas? No. I made myself some hot tea to counter the effects of all the coffee I had drunk. I prayed. The rest of the story is obvious. So what have I learned? First, my real reason for being on staff at the church is not to clean, but I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet. But I will say, I love being part of the team. Second, it was pretty arrogant for me to think I didn’t need a solitude day with God— I probably needed it more than anyone, to bring me back to the understanding that I can and should approach Him any time and often. And it is the evil one that makes me think I am too busy to sit down to pray, or write, or whatever else I need to do to be whole. Third, I have to put my listening ears on and not have such a hard heart. I need to let in some of the nice people I am getting to know at the church and become part of the family again. And, a fourth thought— maybe I should encourage others to take the time to spend with God— and listen to what He speaks to their hearts.
